How to be a Mother. In case you were curious.

How to be a Mother; from the mother of 3 on the Autism spectrum

This Mother's Day weekend, I want to share my perspective on mothering by way of having 3 children on the Autism spectrum.

About 16 years ago, when I first was initiated into motherhood (i.e. by being pregnant,) I thought being a mother would be easy. You really have to love the naivete of a twenty year old girl. I had watched other girls and women effortlessly give birth to amazing, perfect children and I had no doubt that I would as well. That is exactly what I did. My newborn son was the joy of my life, my raison d'etre, the apple of my eye. Everything he did was amazing and I couldn't even remember my life before him. I still treasure those early gifts of motherhood, watching your child learn and grow and being totally amazed by what you created. It was so empowering, I felt like a god. No, I was God. Next stop, reality check.

At this point you can insert my-your-our Autism intro story. Regression, blah blah blah, search for answers, blah blah, blah, diagnosis, blah.

Here is where it gets complicated; not unlike many other Autism parents, I mourned the loss of what I didn't have. I was sorrowful, I blamed myself.
I also stopped being joyful and became an emotionless task master. I threw myself into autism research and treatments. As my 2 subsequent children were also diagnosed, I started to feel less like a mother and more like a caregiver in the most disconnected sense of the word. Did I love my babies? Of course, without a doubt, but I found it very difficult to find joy in my situation.

Unfortunately I was trapped by the idea of what I perceived I lost to Autism. Children can represent so many things for parents. They are the connection between you and your mate,  the unrealized dreams for the future and most importantly they are your legacy. My kids represented my footprint on this earth, my genetic contribution to the world narrative. They would carry my story long after I'm gone. Maybe. Maybe not.

Sound a little pitiful? I was.

I started to look for the meaning of Autism. Why me? Why them? Was there a greater spiritual purpose to being Autistic? I certainly would like to believe so. I don't think its my place to decide especially since I am not Autistic. I will never truly understand how my kids see the world and their place in it. It dawned on me that my sadness was inappropriate. I had allowed myself to become wrapped up in the identity of Autism. In my search and struggle for meaning I could now see that I needed to separate myself from the concept of autism, disability and ability all together.

I am a mother, their mother. Their only mother, no matter what. Labels and perceptions are unimportant. I don't know how it happened, but I figured it out. I am still me. Yes, I am a mother, but I am still me. I don't need my kids to carry my legacy, because I can carry my own and they can carry their own and neither has to be connected or related even though it is. The point is it doesn't have to.
Guess what, you don't have to live for your kids, be responsible, take care of them, yes, but you really need a life of your own, totally unrelated to your offspring.

Kudos to you who got it early on. I am not ashamed to say I didn't. Life is a journey, our experiences can take us so many different places. Places we may never have gone.

Am I tired? Yes. Am I overwhelmed? Hell yes. Is it worth it? What is "it?" If "it" is the experience of being on the ride of a lifetime, then yes. If "it" is some inane idea about sacrifice and oblation, than no. Raising children is not about sacrifice, its about responsibility. I always wanted children, I have never sacrificed anything about my life for my kids. I hate when people use sacrifice and children in the same sentence, it makes it sound like you are doing something different than 5 zillion other parents. I make adult decisions and sometimes I make child decisions, but sacrifice is for saviors and I am no savior. I'm no saint either.

My perspective has been forever altered, in a good way. I have met wonderful, amazing people that only exist in the autism world. I am blessed, because my kids will never be pawns and I can never live vicariously through their exploits. Not because they don't have them, but because I don't want to. Frankly my kids have some pretty amazing experiences and they get to do very cool things. Guess what? So do I and so will I.

People want to see the tragedy of our story and there is nothing to see. Sorry, no trainwreck here, keep moving no car crash to see. Yes we do have our Autism themed emergencies; wandering, meltdowns and communication difficulties. So what? What family is without blemish?

I am a damn good mother. If I do say so myself. I am proud of me. My kids adore me, despite my early doubts and confusion and my crew is awesome.


How to be a mother? Be yourself. Do you. Not in the irresponsible, unfit parent way, but in the confident, loving and healthy way. Release your expectations stand back and let your children blossom. They chose you for reason.

Happy Mother's Day.

5 Secrets to Successful IEP Meetings

I am procrastinating. I am supposed to be preparing for my daughter's early morning IEP and instead, I am writing this blog post.

I got to thinking about what makes an IEP meeting successful and I came up with 5 things I personally strive for when I walk into my child's classroom. Now remember, I have three separate IEP's to pay attention to, so I have a little bit of experience in this area. Just a little.

Secret 1
Always Get A Draft - Yes, you can get a draft of the IEP ahead of time. Its important to ASK for it ahead of time as well.  Teachers are just like you and me and they can get swamped and do things at the last minute, so you want to tell them you would like a draft to review before the actual meeting.  A good time to ask is around the time you get your IEP invitation.  This gives them time to get it ready and get it to you preferably 5-7 days before the meeting. During that time you can review it, highlight it and write down your questions early. Then you can confidently walk into your child's meeting totally prepared like a pro.

Secret 2
Put It in Writing - How many times have you had a conversation with a teacher either on the phone or in person and you swore you asked for XYZ and the teacher said, "sure, yes, no problem," only to find weeks later that XYZ was never entertained, worked on or done? It happened to me more times than I care to remember. Don't dare bring the XYZ (undocumented) conversation up at the IEP meeting. I'm sure you may have received a response similar to this; "ah well, Ms Flamer, I don't remember us discussing that blah blah blah, we are working on this goal." Does this happen to you? Well not anymore, because from now on everything and I mean everything will be in writing. Maybe you don't have time to draft an official letter? No problem an email will do, or my personal favorite, I write it in the communication book and make a copy of it. If  I don't see any movement in a week, my teachers get a call and a reminder and a copy if necessary. This secret can also be entitled "Get In Writing," as you always want to make sure any promises, proclamations and plans the school makes are in writing as well.

Secret 3
Travel in Pairs or More
I learned this the hard way. Little old me walked into the school for a meeting that I thought was going to be simple, quick, and short. I turned into the classroom to see the teacher, the principal, the guidance counselor, the school psychologist, the speech therapist, the occupational therapist, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. Since this wasn't an official IEP meeting I was only expecting the teacher and the speech therapist. Here were six representatives from the school, who had already discussed what they were going to do with my daughter, ahead of time, with out me, now all talking at me. To say I was just a little intimidated would be an understatement. So from now on I travel in pairs or more. Ambushes are best handled with back up.

Secret 4
I Know its a Pain, but you will Explain
Not all teachers and professionals are like this, but occasionally you will meet the rare arrogant, jackass who gets off on using professional jargon and acronyms like everybody is supposed to know what they mean. A lot of teachers and therapist have had cultural sensitivity training and are aware to not overly tax parents minds with terms they are not familiar with. After doing this for awhile, you do start to understand these terms, but even I, yes I, Miss Know-It All 2013 will ask someone nicely to explain what exactly MDE (Multidisciplinary Evaluation) stands for because sometimes I forget.  As parents, we don't use these terms on a daily basis and its ridiculous to expect us to bring our Special Ed to English dictionary with us every time we meet with our kid's team. So don't be ashamed, if you don't know, but make them explain.

Secret 5
Tell Me Something Good
Yes, I'm talking about the song by Rufus and Chaka Khan (a noted supporter of Autism, I might add). I hate absolutely hate to go into an IEP meeting and hear nothing but what my kid can't do. How bad their behavior is and how difficult it is for them to do AB and C. No, I won't stand for it.  You must "Tell me something good" about my child. If you don't, I will and it will be written in my parent statement that will and must get added to the IEP. Individual Education Programs do not have to be a short story on how behind little Jimmy and Sally are. They can be plans that build on strengths while identifying challenges.  ALL our children have strengths and these things need to mentioned if not promoted throughout the IEP.

These are my 5 secrets that get me through my 3-9 IEP meetings a year. I do have to mention that this year my kids have phenomenal teams and so far I have only been to four if you count the one I am going to tomorrow. For more insight on what goes on behind the scenes check out "What Really Goes on Behind the Scenes of an IEP....."

Please share some of your "secrets" in the comment section, I would love to hear them, I can always add something new to my repertoire.

Work/Life Balance; money vs motherhood

I am working on the topic for this weeks show.  It comes directly from my life.  Last week I missed my oldest son's IEP meeting.  I knew it was coming up, but I forgot when it was.  I have been stressed out from my job and working overtime, so much that I really don't know when the last time it was that I read a communication book entry.  My hubby is really a novice when it comes to advocating for the kids and leaves it to me.  


I have been getting to work late and was just put on notice that I need to clean up my act. So of course, I re schedule the 2nd part of my son's meeting at a time that will make me 2 hours late for work.  I am not used to this.  Last year I could make any meeting, but of course I was making below minimum wage and living with my parents.  Now I have my own household, with bills to pay and again, I find I am faced with a money vs motherhood crisis.


What to do?  Let's talk about it tonight at 6:30PM EST only on You Aut to Know!
Call in - (347) 996-3422
also on twitter - @aut_toknow


I feel like this.....

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I miss it!!!

Its been about nine months since I last posted.... and I miss it terribly.  I miss doing the show and most of all I miss sharing things about my life through the blog and the show.  So, I decided, to start it up again!

Things will be a little different this time around.  There is a saying, about walking a mile in someones shoes and yes my feet are tired.
I have a totally different experience that I want to share with other parents.

A little re cap
I have 3 kids on the autism spectrum.  Last August, I had an epiphany of sorts, that happened to coincide with my new job.  Previously I had spent the last six years being an at home mom.  With the kids needs I found difficult to hold down a full time job.  With my youngest entering kindergarten, I thought it might be a good time to go back to work.  And it was.  Not only that I reconciled with my husband and I moved to another state.


Change, change and more change!  Surprisingly the kids handled it better than I expected.  But the road has not been without its bumps and bruises.  All detailed in my upcoming radio broadcast.
The life of working mother with kids on the autism spectrum is dramatically different than the life of mother at home.  No brainer, right?

At the onset of this shift, I had altered my long held views on autism and how I processed the children's label and abilities. Most of these realizations have not changed, instead, I would say they have been enhanced.
I am no longer the advocacy aficionado I once claimed to be.  In fact I probably need an advocate(more on that in a future post!!!!)  In the upcoming shows and post, I will be learning as much as I am facilitating.  I welcome this new role and I can't wait to get started

I have no guest planned for the next show.  It will be me in a shorter segment of time, but what I hope to share with you will hopefully be uplifting, encouraging and brutally honest.

So if anyone is still reading this blog and wants to listen to the next broadcast, welcome!

See you Sunday, time to be determined as the rules and regs of the platform I use for the show have also dramatically changed.

If one thing is constant its change, whether we like it or not.

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